I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
