WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
