But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
