Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
