i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
