$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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