I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
