Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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