hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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