I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
