Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Help. Why am I so naked?
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