On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
