I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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