1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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