So drunk its hurt
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
