Umm I'm too high to move.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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