i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
