go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
