She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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