at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
