Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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