My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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