You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
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Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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