wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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