I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
