; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
