Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
