walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
