Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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