im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
