I just threw up on my dentist
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
