WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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