I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
