she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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