she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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