fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
