I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
