Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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