Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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