Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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