"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
