Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
