will power is for people who don't want to get laid
found the other keg... it's in the tree
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
