I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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