What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
