haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
