I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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