I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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