Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
