i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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