Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
