Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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