just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
