It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
