I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
