Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
