i just sent this text using only my big toe
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
